


Notes from the Gym Commission

by ThumbnailsAndTentacles



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series), Pocket Monsters: Red & Green & Blue & Yellow | Pokemon Red Green Blue Yellow Versions, Pokemon
Genre: Freeform, Gen, Kanto Region, No OSHA compliance, Pokemon Blue, Pokemon Red - Freeform, Pokemon Yellow, safety inspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-01-23
Packaged: 2018-09-19 11:16:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9437870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThumbnailsAndTentacles/pseuds/ThumbnailsAndTentacles
Summary: In the wake of ten-year-old Pokémon trainer Red’s conquest of the Elite Four, public concern for the welfare of young trainers has grown immensely. In response to public pressure, the Pokémon League has mandated annual gym inspections in every region, to insure that all gyms are up to safety and performance standards, as well as suitable for younger trainers who choose to challenge the League.Every year, an inspector arrives to certify the gyms and gym leaders. He grades on competence, organization, professionalism, creativity, and compliance with safety guidelines.There are his notes.





	

** Kanto Region **

Giovanni – Viridian City

            I couldn’t even get into this gym. The door is locked, and the gym leader is away indefinitely. No one in town has ever seen the gym open, or ever gone inside. I reserve judgment in this case, because I can’t grade a gym without seeing it, but there had better be a damn good reason for this shocking lack of responsibility.

            Overall score: N/A

            Grade: N/A (An F, until I can actually review this place)

 

Brock – Pewter City

            No complaints. Overall, I think the gym leader could have put a little more effort into his gym – two trainers and a straight shot to the gym leader, no challenge or puzzle whatsoever – but he’s the Kanto League’s lowest-tier gym leader, so I cut him some slack. To my knowledge, all safety protocols are being obeyed, although I advised them to be careful throwing rocks around. I have a sneaking suspicion, however, that the gym leader is a pothead; I never saw his eyes open during the entire visit, and he seems to be more than a little out of it.

Overall score: 91/100

Grade: A- (Not a bad start)

 

Misty – Cerulean City

            The gym is mostly water, and the gym leader’s lifeguard certification is slightly expired – she promised, however, to get it reissued. Frankly, it’s about the same as Brock’s gym, the only difference being that the sole path leading to the gym leader is S-shaped, not straight. Her “strategy” is an “all-out offensive with water types!” – in other words, nothing remotely original. She seems competent enough, at least, and the gym hasn’t had any accidents on record.

Overall score: 90/100

Grade: A- (Acceptable, but uninspired)

Addendum: The only way into this town is a cave. A cave which, to boot, is full of hairy, middle-aged child predators and about six million Zubat. When are we getting funding to build a highway out here? This is seriously unsafe.

 

Lt. Surge – Vermillion City

            This guy is a grade-A head case. I don’t want to speak ill of veterans, and I know how difficult it can be to reintegrate into society after serving. But not only does this guy insist on being addressed by his military rank, he rambles on about “the war” and never changes out of his uniform. I’m pretty sure he has some untreated PTSD. His gym has a fun puzzle mechanic, in which trainers much find switches to turn off an electric fence – but the appeal is undermined by the electric fence, an uninsulated 30,000 watt monstrosity like an overpowered bug zapper. This gym is a lethal accident waiting to happen, and the gym leader is clearly not in control.

Overall score: 69/100

Grade: D+ (Someone seriously needs to shut off that fence)

Addendum: I was scheduled to leave on the S. S. Anne, but the captain of the ship was arrested for pedophilia just after I arrived (something about getting backrubs from young boys?) and I had to bribe a customs agent with soft drinks to proceed to the next city. And there’s a giant friggin’ Snorlax asleep on a major artery out of town. Someone needs to bring corruption charges against this whole region.

 

Sabrina – Saffron City

            I wasn’t supposed to hit this gym next, but I had to reroute through here in order to get to Fuschia City. Sabrina’s shtick is teleporters that warp trainers between rooms – so first strike, no fire exits. If this place burned down, no one in here would even have any idea how to get out. For someone who claims to have intimate knowledge of the future, the gym leader apparently never considered that could happen (she, of course, has a direct link to the outside). Sabrina has no control over her gym, and can’t even see the other trainers through the walls, though she claims to be able to “sense” them (yeah, pull the other one).

            On another note, I noticed that the Fighting Dojo, a far better-run and more professional establishment next door, lost its gym certification. I was informed that the Dojo was previously a gym, but was demoted after losing to the Psychic trainers next door. Seriously? Are we punishing an entire gym for suffering a type disadvantage?

Overall score: 73/100

Grade: C (Someone in this city is definitely taking bribes)

Addendum: This city is filled with Team Rocket. They’ve even taken hostages at Silph Co. As usual, the cops are doing nothing. This is why I think League inspectors should be allowed to carry guns.

 

Erika – Celadon City

            Finally, someone in the league who knows what they’re doing. Erika runs a clever, well thought-out gym with an emphasis on using strategy to get ahead. Challengers can fight only one or two trainers before the gym leader, or run the gamut and take them all on for extra experience. The gym leader is friendly, personable, in control, great with kids, and has a real nice eco-friendly atmosphere (aside from one creepy dude hanging around outside, but she can’t be faulted for that). My only complaint would be how severely stoned some of her trainers clearly are, but I’m not here to administer drug tests.

Overall score: 98/100

Grade: A+ (Why can’t they all be like this?)

Addendum: Another Snorlax? Seriously? How many of these friggin’ things are there, and why do they always seem to fall asleep on highways?

 

Koga – Fuschia City

            The gym leader here has a thing for invisible walls – a neat idea that would be fine with a little better execution. Unfortunately, his gym’s theme is poison-types. I saw a little kid get his Pidgey poisoned and watched him panic and run screaming into glass walls for five minutes before he finally found the way out. This could be a real health hazard. Also, speaking of the gym leader – Koga, the self-professed ninjitsu master and poison enthusiast who spends his time prancing around in a _gi_ and threatening to put children to sleep. Who appointed this blue-haired weirdo gym leader, and who named him to the Elite Four? He’s not even Asian, for Christ’s sake, not to mention his stereotypical “ninja” behavior is kind of racist. This gym needs help.

Overall score: 79/100

Grade: C+ (Slow poisoning and invisible mazes don’t mix)

            Addendum: Why is the only route into this town a bike trail full of Hell’s Angels rejects?

 

Blaine – Cinnabar Island

            The gym has a fun trivia feel to it, with trainers encouraged to test their Pokémon knowledge in order to advance between rooms. The exits are clearly marked, and although the use of fire is prevalent, the gym leader is knowledgeable and completely in control. That said, I’m a little less concerned about the gym than I am about the entire rest of the island.

            First off, the gym is sitting right next to the smoking remains of the laboratory that was once the birthplace of Mewtwo. Yes, this is the place where a bunch of scientists drunk on their own power gave birth to an angry god. Now it’s full of Dittos and sentient toxic waste. As if that weren’t enough, there’s also another lab that reanimates fossils of extinct eldritch Pokémon in order to commit entirely new crimes against nature. The only way this place could possibly be any more of a threat to human life is if Team Rocket decided to move in (which they won’t, because even Team Rocket isn’t stupid enough to trap themselves on this island hellhole).

Overall score: 97/100

Grade: A (The gym is the least dangerous thing on this island)

            Addendum: There is no way into this town. No ferry, no boat now that the S. S. Anne is gone, nothing. I had to hitch a ride from a skeezy-looking guy with a Lapras.

 

 

Regional summary – Kanto

            Four A’s, two C’s, one D, one F. A fake psychic, a psychotic veteran, a racist, and an absentee. Either the gyms here are really good and family-friendly, or else horrible threats to human life and limb. Also, Team Rocket is everywhere, the police are literally nonexistent, and the Transportation Authority is off somewhere having a cocaine-fueled orgy with a harem of hookers while Snorlax nap on his highways. We might as well just pave over Victory Road at this point, because if anyone can survive Kanto, a cave full of Gravelers isn’t going to scare them. At least Johto can’t be any worse than this.

Average rating: 85.285

Average grade: B


End file.
